And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
