I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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