Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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