I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
