I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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