What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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