The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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