apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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