I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
