Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
