I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
