good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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