if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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