I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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