Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It's shark week go big or go home
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
