we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
