I swear god or herbie drove my car home
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
