Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
