So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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