Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
