so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
