I just gift wrapped bread.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize