I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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