I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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