I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
