good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize