She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
