covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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