I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
