My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
