She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
