I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
