pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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