Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
