Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
