Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he puts the penis in happiness.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
