ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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