my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
