If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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