I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
