I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
