just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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