"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
