I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize