Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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