I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
