I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
