1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
