My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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