omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
