WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
