My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
