I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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